I’m sure some part of me should feel sadness or maybe some grief at this point. Maybe I should feel some sort of loss. Possibly some stress.
Instead I just feel relief. I feel peace and happiness. I feel hope. And I am trusting God in the journey He sets before me.
I admit that I felt a tiny bit overwhelmed the day after I received the news that I would be having a hysterectomy, but it was more over the fact that I had so much to do in preparation with only two weeks to do it. This bombshell was just dropped in my lap and I was literally left to deal with it.
I felt a little bit overwhelmed with telling our son. C and I have the type of relationship in which I have never sugar coated anything and I have always been very straight forward and open with him. I try to explain things well and honestly so that he isn’t scared or left in the dark. He’s a very intelligent child and I’d rather have him informed than let his mind wander. Fortunately he handled the news very well and so far hasn’t had too many questions. I am sure once we get through it he will have some different emotions since he’s so young.
I think I will struggle with recovery. I don’t accept help well from anyone but my husband and my parents. I am fiercely independent and I think this recovery may knock me flat on my behind. I don’t rest well and I don’t really know how to “take it easy”. I think somewhere I’m struggling with accepting that this will actually be a difficult recovery. I am seriously that stubborn. In my mind I keep telling myself that I cannot possibly need that much time to rest and recover. Surely that doctor doesn’t know how tough and fierce I am. I keep telling myself that I’m the same person who teaches Zumba® fitness through migraines and has taught while coming down with the flu. I’ve got this. Surely I, this fierce Zumba® Diva, cannot possibly be reduced to a sedentary mess for four whole weeks. Pssh. That’s for weenies.
And then this small (very small) voice of reason (and the internet….because everything you read on the internet must be true) tells me that this is one serious surgery and that I am stinkin’ out of my ever-lovin’ mind for thinking I am going to rest for a few days and slowly begin to ease back into life. And you may all feel free to laugh at me post-surgery when I’m a weenie and laid up for weeks. Trust me, I’ll be doing the exact same thing. We can laugh together. Life is absolutely not worth living if you cannot laugh at yourself, my friends.
In all seriousness, I am scheduled to have a hysterectomy. In May a large mass was found during a pelvic exam. I was referred to an oncology gynecologist who performed a biopsy of the mass. I praise God that this mass tested negative for cancer, but it did test positive for inflamed endometriosis. When my husband and I met with the doctor, he explained to us that the location of the endometriosis was concerning. Normally, you cannot diagnose someone with endometriosis without performing laparoscopic surgery and actually seeing it via surgery. Mine was visible and had broken through tissues. If left untreated endometriosis can spread and damage organs. We will not know the extent of it until the day of my surgery, but my doctor is very hopeful he can save one ovary because we want to hopefully prevent my migraines from getting worse. If we have to remove both ovaries, it could possibly make my migraines worse. I have them controlled better right now. Once we clean out the endometriosis, there is a chance that my migraines can even improve. I am very hopeful. Most of my migraines happen around my cycles and by eliminating them we are hopeful that most of my migraines will be eliminated.
I know many people wonder if we will regret the decision to lose my ability to reproduce, but my husband and I made the permanent decision years ago. C is our one and only together and we love spoiling him. Pregnancy was difficult for me and I am a one kid kind of mother. I love him so severely, but I love seeing him grow. There is just so much joy in that for me.
What’s the toughest part? I have to put life on hold for a bit. I’m on the go all of the time. I love my life and I fill it with family and friends. It’s not unusual for me and my son to play football together, for my husband and I to tackle some home improvement project, and for me to just jump at whatever plans anyone throws out there. I live for my Zumba® fitness ministry at church. How in the world do I put that on hold for four weeks? How do I sit on the sidelines? It blesses me beyond measure and the ladies are a major part of my life. They are my family and I have to take a break from them. It literally hurts my whole heart. How do I not dance when it fills every part of my entire life? From the time I wake until the time I unwind, there’s music and inspiration for dance. And my abdominal muscles will be weak, my insides butchered, and everything gutted. No tripping, no stumbling, no falling. No energy to even do it. According to the internet, where everything you read must be true. I’m fairly sure that is what will break my spirit in those weeks. It’s not losing organs or being gutted, it’s losing the ability to break free and dance. It’s losing the joy to laugh and cut up with my best friends during our favorite songs. It’s praising Jesus with them during the most amazing songs. I am literally losing that for weeks.
I have a little less than two weeks until my surgery and I am preparing my home, my family, my job, and everything around me the best I can to do well without me while I’m out. I want to share my experience with you and I don’t mind questions. If we’re buddies in real life, you can always come up and love on me when you see me before the surgery. If you pray, you can pray with me. And we can all hopefully say goodbye to my migraines. And if you’re part of my dancing family, let’s dance until I can’t, let’s praise Jesus through it all, and enjoy every single moment together until surgery day.