Dear Facebook

Dear Facebook,

I really hate you. We’ve had a rough relationship this past year. While all of my friends have been posting these happy “Throwback Thursday” and “1 Year Ago Today” posts, I’ve been watching you. I’ve been seeing the things you’ve flaunted in front of me. Three years ago, I was healthy and happy. I was in the best shape of my whole life. I had everything going for me: a great husband, a wonderful little boy, a successful job, a fun fitness program, and a great blog. I was conquering the world. I did everything I wanted to do and then some.

But then I got sick. Not just a little bit sick, but the kind of sick that drains every ounce of energy from your body sort of sickness. Within a two year period I have been misdiagnosed for several months and given a treatment I did not need. It was given to me incorrectly by the hospital staff who admitted they had never administered one before which then caused me to be rushed to the emergency room two days later for severe side effects. I have been hospitalized and had so many tests run to try to figure out exactly what is going on with my body and I have fought to come to terms with my diagnosis. Once you are diagnosed, it just simply does not end there. You have to manage it.

I live with chronic neurological migraines. And I struggle with multiple types and multiple triggers. I was diagnosed finally in November of last year and I feel like I didn’t begin controlling them until this past month. I have seen more specialists than I can count and I have unusual symptoms that made the diagnosis very difficult. I don’t always get a headache, but I have just about every other symptom that comes with migraines. One of my triggers is so strange I cannot even find anyone else like me on the internet… I have a migraine when I eat rice. I absolutely love rice too. It is my comfort food. Do you know how many healthy eating plans include brown rice? That makes it super tricky too.

I normally hate Facebook rubbing it in that I am no longer the carefree person I once was before migraines wrecked my entire life. I don’t exactly know why I got sick almost two years ago, but I know that some days my skin and muscles hurt so bad that every step I take makes me want to drop to my knees. There are some days I don’t want to talk to anyone because I cannot keep food down and it takes all of my energy to drag myself to work and look normal. Some days I want to give up. Luckily I have people that pick me up and just carry me through. There are nights my husband paces with me in the bedroom until relief finally finds me. Facebook, I really hate you for reminding me of the life I lost. Some days you make me cry.

But today is not that day. I think I kinda like you a little bit today. You showed me a year ago today and I was heavier, more tired, and the circles under my eyes were darker. You reminded me that this time last year I was misdiagnosed. I had a broken body and no answers. I am not broken today. I’m just slightly messed up and figuring it all out now. Today I posted the picture on the right. This sweet little boy and I have battled this sickness together and we have come out okay. There have been days we couldn’t play like we wanted. There have been days he sits beside me and watches TV while I sleep. Or hugged me when I feel my worst. But we made it work, we survived it and came out on top. We’re figuring it out and it took Facebook flashing back to remind me how far I’ve actually come.

There are going to be more tough days, but the good days have been more lately. I am so grateful for that. I am finally getting somewhere with all of this and my body is showing it. There are still days that knock me flat on my behind, but I can stand it. Because of the better days. In all reality I still have the great husband, wonderful little boy, fabulous job, amazing fitness program, and now a new blog. I’m really the only thing that changed. I’m still debating over whether or not it’s for the better some days. I’m stronger now. I appreciate the good days so much more. I enjoy the little things and find the joy in everything I can do. I’m just a different me and I don’t know what to do with that just yet. Maybe that’s why I find myself here.

Maybe I do like Facebook just a tad bit today.